It's Been a Super Hard Week

I’ve been thinking for a while now about starting up a blog again.  I blogged a little bit back about ten years ago, and picked it up again for I think, one blog post, a few years ago.  I just feel like I have some stuff to say.  I don’t really care who reads it, if anyone, but I think it’s helpful to have an outlet for your thoughts.  It can be therapeutic or just fun.  Today seemed like a good day to start.  Yeah, it’s the beginning of a new year, but that’s not the reason.  Today is the end of one of the most gut-wrenching weeks of my life.  And I’m not trying to be dramatic.  It’s really true.  And it’s not over.  The effects will linger for a long, long time.  My life is changed.

What happened?  I have the privilege of working for an amazing company.  A company that spoils its employees.  A company that creates products that help people grow spiritually, preach the gospel, and further the Kingdom of God.  A company that I love.  Well, we had to make some tough decisions.  Financially, things have shifted.  Expenses in areas we can’t control have grown.  And revenue is not increasing like it used to.

So on Tuesday morning, the Chief Administrative Officer (haha, fancy title, he’s just Andy to us), grabbed me, told me to get Jen and meet him in the conference room.  As we were walking back there, I said, “Crap, is it going to be a bad day again?” The bad days refer to the days in the last weeks where we had to let some folks go.  We shut down a small department.  It just wasn’t profitable enough to handle the expense.  And then a sales team.  An experiment that didn’t pencil out.  I am privy to more details of these events than some, as the Payroll Administrator.  Jen serves as our lead Employee Services Rep (our version of HR), so she also handles a great deal of employee’s exits as well.

I had to interrupt Jen that morning and pull her away from her work, but when you hear that Andy has to talk to us, you go.  Andy’s, “Yes”, to my question had me thinking, okay, how many today, a dozen?  I knew more layoffs were coming, but didn’t know when or how many.  We settled in the room and Andy told us the news.  We are letting go more staff.  How many?  The number hung in the air after he said it.  Sixty.  Sixty?  I can’t quite remember what I said, but I was stunned.  I started shaking and crying.  The math nerd in me started doing the calculation.  I said, “Andy, that’s like 12%...” “12-15%, yeah”.  He provided more details.  “This is across the board, almost every department is affected.  Linda is included.”  I hung my head and said, “Oh God”.  Linda has worked for the company for more than 20 years.  She used to be THE Accounting department when the company was tiny.  Jen and I both work closely with Linda on a daily basis.  My comment to Andy was, “Her loyalty to this company is unmatched.”  But she wasn’t going to have a job anymore.  Then I asked if there would be some from Accounting, my department.  He said there were a few, but he couldn’t remember who.  He would send us a full list when he could.  He did ensure both of us that we still had jobs.  Through tears and stammering, I thanked him for continuing to employ me.

It was going to start happening at 10.  It was almost 9:30.  Andy had to run, Jen and I talked for a few more minutes, hugged, and braced ourselves for the storm.  She needed to be available in her office for employees who had questions about their benefits, I wanted to be near my desk to be there when my team members were told the news.  I tried to do some work.  But knowing what was coming had me understandably distracted.  I sat there shaking.  I couldn’t let on what was happening.  I heard one of the ladies talking to Fran, the Customer Accounting Manager, who sits next to me, and I heard Fran reply, “Not until 10.”  I hung my head.  There was one.

I had Jen let me know when Linda was back to her office to clean it out.  On my way over to console her, I passed by the conference room and could see who was being told they no longer have a job.  I talked to Jen for a minute, headed back the other way, and then back again when Linda got there.  Martin was walking back and forth in the lounge area.  Jen asked if he needed something.  He said no, he was just praying.  He was saddened by the boxes that were right downstairs, ready for employees to grab to pack their stuff.  “An angel of death is moving over the campus today.”  We concurred.  He was aching for our friends.

While we were in there, a young, sweet lady in tears came to the door.  We knew.  We hugged her.  We talked for a minute, and I could hear Linda cleaning out her desk.  When we went in there, she asked us how we were.  “Us?” I said, “We’re concerned with you!”  She was actually fine.  Crying, yes.  Sad, yes.  But understanding of the situation and the decision.  And relieved.  Relieved she didn’t have to commute an hour each way anymore.  Jen told her it was time for her family to take care of her.  Linda loves working for Andy.  Loves.  But she was okay.

Then Jake came by to say goodbye.  Jake is young.  I’ll never forget the day I found out his mother is younger than me by a few months.  Yep, I’m old enough to be his mother.  And he’s in college.  He’s going to graduate in June from Western.  He has an internship with an Accounting firm already lined up for this summer.  He is charismatic, a go-getter, and I have no doubt will end up doing something bigger and better.  I hugged him so hard because I knew how much he loved working here.  He too, understood the situation.  He holds no hard feelings, and is grateful for what he has learned.

I headed back to my desk, knowing the news was out.  Running into Jon, he asked if going out for lunch would work, I said sure.  I knew he meant our group of five, and sometimes six when Steve joins us.  Our lunch bunch group that had been eating together for the last several months.  I didn’t realize yet that it was because one of our group was let go.

As I round the corner, I see Jacqueline coming towards me.  She is the receptionist and is rarely away from that desk.  She is carrying a piece of paper.  I’m scared.  She hands it to me and I make sure the name on it is not hers.  Whew.  This piece of paper was the first signed separation agreement that got turned in.  I was right outside Alan’s office.  Alan, the CFO.  Alan, my fellow Hawks fan, a golfer, and one of the most awesome guys I’ve known.  We chatted for a minute.  I can’t remember what was said, but I always feel better after talking to him.  This has been hard on him.  So hard.  He’s the CFO.  He’s the money guy.  He had to make decisions to let go his friends.

I had missed getting to say goodbye to Vickie and Bekah.  Rose came over to me and asked how I was.  I asked Jessica how she was.  She said she couldn’t talk about it yet.  I told her when she was ready, I was here for her.

There’s the list.  Andy had sent the email.  I open the spreadsheet, again bracing myself.  I start scanning the list.  Keep in mind, we are spread out over 5 buildings around a block, so I am not going to personally see much of this going on.  And we have an office in Arizona and a handful of employees in different states around the country.  Two names jump out at me first.  Leigh and Dave.

Leigh.  Leigh is in Arizona.  Leigh and I got to work closely for a few months while she filled in for someone on leave.  We had a great time.  We became close.  She and her husband, who also works for us, got to move to Arizona and keep their jobs.  Until now.  She was a casualty.  I hurt.

Dave.  Dave is crazy.  He will even tell you that.  But Dave is caring, friendly, and trusting.  And he has worked for the company for over 20 years.  He is the most beloved sales rep.  A customer started a forum thread entitled, “Farewell, Dave Kaplan” when he found out Dave was no longer working for us.  It’s filled with accolades and thanks to Dave from his customers, and even some who didn’t buy directly from him, but who knew of him.

I was just stunned.

I had to get up and walk away.  I went downstairs and ran into Bethany.  She looked lost.  She looked at me and asked if I still had job.  I assured her I did, and made sure she did too.  She said, yes, but Leigh is gone.  And Daniel.  Daniel?  Oh, I hadn’t looked at the list long enough to see his name.  That’s why we were going to lunch.  Because Daniel is part of our lunch bunch.  And we want to support our friend.  I got to know Daniel more recently as he and Jon had started joining Jen, Jacqueline and I for lunch almost every day.  We always had a great time at lunch.  We talked about all kinds of things.  Dogs and cats.  We would rate what people were eating for lunch.  We would tell stories.  And one conversation about children’s shows we used to watch brought up Patch the Pirate…Who?  Ask Jon.  No one else has heard of him.  The girls only take 30-minute lunches, so the boys and I would hang out longer and talk about the upcoming Star Wars movie.  And video games.  And more Star Wars.  There were Firefly and Star Trek references in there somewhere too.  Our lunch bunch even did a white elephant lunch exchange the day before Christmas Eve.  A week and a half prior, we all sat together at the company Christmas party discussing the idea.  And now one of our group was no longer going to be there.

When I got back to my desk, I looked at the rest of the list.  Dana.  Crap, Dana too.  Dana and I have become friends over the past few years.  She just transferred to a new department.  I found out in November when we were out celebrating her 30^th birthday with a huge group of her friends.  She was looking forward to the change, to doing something new.  And now, no.

The rest of the names started settling in my mind.  Some had worked for us for many years, some just a short time.  Some were spouses, daughters, in-laws, brothers of other employees who got to stay.  This was just horrible.

I was told Linda was waiting for me downstairs, on my way, I passed Anne.  Dear, sweet Anne.  She was sad, we hugged.  I whispered to her that Dave was gone.  She cried and said she knew.  She and Dave have a special friendship.  I told her I had to go see Linda, but we would talk later.  She said she just said goodbye to Linda.

Linda wanted to turn her separation agreement into me.  We hugged again.  Talked again about getting a lunch together.  She actually seemed fine.

At lunch, Daniel just seemed numb.  We had to rush because there was a company meeting scheduled.  We had got the Outlook invite the week before, and I had a hunch something big was going down because we had just had a meeting not too long ago.  And it emphasized that all Bellingham employees be present (instead of remoting in from their computers).  But maybe Bob was just going to talk to us about the coming year and address concerns about the recent layoffs.  Yeah.  No.  It did turn out to be something big.  Something I couldn’t imagine.  So we rushed to the meeting.  Faces were solemn.  Anne and I sat with Scott.  Scott is the face of the company.  A Rock Star.  He gets up in front of huge groups of people telling them about our amazing products.  And makes us money.  For all his fame, he is a down to earth guy.  A guy that I have a friendly football rivalry with.  He is a Patriots fan, of all things.  He has a Tom Brady jersey hanging in his office.  Sick.  He paraded in front of my office three days in a row wearing different Patriots shirts after we blew the Super Bowl last February.  I asked Scott how his daughter was.  His daughter had worked for us until that morning.  No one was untouched.

Bob did well.  He had sent out an email earlier in the morning, but it was nice to all come together and hear him speak.  He assured us we were safe.  There were no more layoffs.  This was it.  Do not fear for your job.  We are still profitable.  We just needed to reset.  We couldn’t reset by cutting the coffee budget (which is quite large…we get free espresso, soda, juice, etc.), we can’t do anything about our royalty expenses that have grown.  We do have to lower the percentage of payroll expense relative to revenue.  Each department was given a number.  A number they had to meet.  And they had to make decisions.  Obviously, several factors went into each decision.  Why one person and not another?  The managers know.  The reasons are varied.  It doesn’t matter.  We say we only hire awesome people.  So sixty awesome people had to go.

Bob opened it up for questions.  That was brave.  It was awkwardly silent for a moment.  Then they started.  What does severance look like?  Different for each.  How do we handle picking up the extra work?  Each department will work it out.  Some things may not get done.  It’s okay.  It’s time to refocus.  Will there be a list of those laid off posted somewhere?  Yes, that’s a good idea.  We aren’t open like this with employee exits.  But in this case, it needs to be done.  Can we pray?  Yes.  So we prayed.  We don’t typically pray at our meetings.  We aren’t a ministry; we aren’t a “Christian company”.  We are a company who happens to produce bible software.  Because of that, most employees are Christians.  It felt appropriate to pray together this time though.  Thomas had asked the question, and so he led the prayer.  It was perfect.

Afterward, as you looked around, you saw sad faces.  No smiles.  It felt like everyone was taking an inventory of who was left.

Back at work, I couldn’t really get anything done.  We had a team meeting where Alan reiterated what Bob had said.  Our team felt so small.  Well, yeah, we had shrunk by 20%.

My day had multiple interruptions of phone calls, emails from employees who had left and had payroll questions.  And meeting with them at reception as they dropped off their separation agreements.

I left a little bit early.  I just could not concentrate.

Jon and I walked to our cars together.  Processing what happened.  He mentioned there had been a Herald article posted already.  As I drove home, I thought, crap, if it’s public, then I better let my dad and brother know that I still had a job sooner rather than later.  And my bff, Heather.  I knew she would probably hear soon; I would rather be the one to tell her so she knew I was okay.

That night, I woke up about 2:30 am.  I could not fall back asleep.  I decided to just get up and go to work.  I had a lot to do.  Not only had I not got anything done the day before, but now I had to start to get a handle on how I was going to process final checks and severance payments.  I still took my time getting ready, went to Starbucks on the way to work.  I am not a morning person.  Never have been.  This week I was one.  On the drive, I heard the news on the radio.  “A local software company is laying off about 60 employees…”  Here come more tears.

I walked in the door just before 7.  We are ‘open’ at 6 am.  Reception, Customer Service, and Sales are on the phones to assist the east coast customers.  Oh, yeah, the door will still be locked, I need to get out my badge to open the door.  Jacqueline was surprised to see me.  I told her I woke up around 2:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep.  Same for her.

I went upstairs and Fran was already there.  We were both like, “What are you doing here?”  Same story.  She woke up around 2, and couldn’t get back to sleep.  We chatted about her daughter-in-law, who was on the list.

That day is a blur.  So much to do.  In the afternoon, Andy and I determined that I would work on calculating the final checks on Thursday.  Priority one, he said.  I told him that was fine; Rose and Jessica were willing to take on some of my duties and Alan and Evie would understand that I would have to spend the day working on the checks.

Wednesday, I went to bed super early.  Like 8:30.  I knew I probably wouldn’t sleep all night going to bed that early, but I didn’t care, I was tired.  Sure enough, I woke up before 1, but managed to get a few more hours of sleep before heading into work.  The day would turn out to be horrible.  It’s a painstaking process to ensure the checks are all correct.  And as I worked on them, that meant looking at each name on the list.  It’s personal.  I hurt for these people.  I was extremely tired and emotional.  Around 6:30 pm, when everyone else was gone, I heard two of our Ops guys downstairs, saying, “Who do we have?  Vickie, Jake, Linda Phillips…”.  Crap.  They are coming to tear down computers.  I started crying again.  The kind of crying where you can’t breathe.  I tried to hold it in, but I had to go into the bathroom.  Those guys are just doing their jobs.  And after normal hours when no one else is around.  It’s not their fault.  But it hurts to see the empty desks.

I calmed down and got back to work.  Almost done with the checks.  Fran came back to print her collection letters that she graciously put off since I was still working in the accounting system and the letters slow it down.  Her husband Phil was with her.  I dropped the checks off in Brittany’s office for signature stamping the next morning and left campus at 7:45 pm.  I had skipped lunch and worked over 11 hours.  In the car on the way home, I could not stop crying.  Sobbing.  Aching.

Friday, it’s finally Friday.  Again, I am up at about 4 am.  Fine, I’ll just get up again and go to work.  Another early morning.  That’s okay.  I have so much to do.

Friday was a better day.  The checks got out in the mail.  That’s a relief.  Anne and I both separately bought donuts for the team.  There was even joking and laughter.  Does that somehow feel wrong?  In a way.  I remember right after my mom passed away, wondering if I would ever feel like laughing again, and when it might be okay to laugh again.  Not that I’m saying the events are the same.  I would go through a million layoffs if it meant not having experienced the loss of my mother- NOTHING I’ve gone through even comes close to that anguish, nothing.  But there is a similarity in that when we move on after tragic event, it can feel wrong to be happy, when there is still suffering and grief.  That mix of emotions is so agonizing.  Earlier in the week, Jessica and I were both crying and then she said something that made me laugh.  I was reminded of my favorite line from “Steel Magnolias”.  Truvy says (and you have to imagine Dolly Parton’s syrupy sweet southern accent), “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”  She says this after Shelby’s funeral.  They are grieving a death, but also moving on.

I sent out an email letting my team know how awesome they are and that I’m happy to see us pulling together.  I sent Bob an email letting him know that I’m praying for him and reiterating my support.

Yes, my support.  As sad as this is, as hurtful it is to so many, I understand the decision.  I see enough of the numbers on a daily basis to know that our path was not sustainable.  But the pain of having to have this affect so many is raw.  These are people.  These are our friends.  These friends are now wondering how they will pay the bills in the next months.  How long can unemployment be enough?  How long until a job is found?  What kind of job will be found?  I’ve never worked at a company where I experienced layoffs.  I know it happens all the time, but it’s never hit home.  My parents always worked.  They never got laid off.  I never worried.  But now, it hits.  Because it’s not just one of my friends, it’s several.  The other day, I was starting to feel almost guilty for still having a job.  But I knew that was wrong.  You feel guilt when you are guilty of sin.  I didn’t sin.  I was shown mercy.  That guilty feeling turns to gratefulness to the Lord and to my bosses who saw fit to keep me employed.  And generously compensated at that.  Later in the afternoon, the day I was having these thoughts, I overheard a coworker saying we had ‘survivor’s guilt’.  That’s exactly it.

I’ve already heard of former coworkers finding new “dream jobs”, or deciding to stay home with their babies, or believing this is God moving them to be doing something more fitting with their passions.  I trust God knows exactly what He has in store for each of the individuals moving on and those still around.  He has a purpose and will work all things for good for those who love Him.  We press on and move forward and continue to pray for and support our friends.  There is hope for the future.